Nae need for Tenchi
.. this was an idea that took on a life of its own ...
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Àecca: "I... I think it glows when there's cake nearby!"
Ryona: "Well you'd better hurry up and find some! Yer wastin’ away ya poor wee thing!"
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English aristocrat Tenchi McSakay inherits his grandfather's castle in the remote highlands of Scotland. Tenchi hopes he can escape the chaos of London and find tranquility amidst the mountains and trees, growing turnips on the many acres of land he has been bequeathed.
Weeks after his arrival, Tenchi's hopes of the quiet life are dashed when he begins to notice strange murmurings from the dark forests that surround him. Rumours of a red-haired witch and pagan cults hang over the misty hills, making life increasingly nerve wracking, especially during the long, dark and stormy nights. Tenchi is soon forced to seek help in the nearby village, where he discovers that nobody is willing to speak with him for fear of the red witch’s wrath. Villagers lock their doors and Tenchi is left to enter a local tavern where he happens upon a large bosomed cattle raider from the far north, Ryona. Ryona is clearly drunk but agrees to help Tenchi ward off the spooky creatures of the forest. Ryona, pulling parchment from deep in her cleavage, agrees to help on condition she can sleep in the castle and has free access to Tenchi's grandfather's expansive whisky cellar. Having never met a highland woman before Tenchi reluctantly agrees... not realising just how much this woman drank.
Over the coming months Tenchi and the heavy drinking, heavy eating and increasingly heavy Ryona explore the surrounding forests. Encountering the mysterious pagan cult lurking in the trees, Tenchi befriends, much to Ryona's disdain, Àecca, the slender and self-professed 'princess of the enchanted pine forest'. Àecca, enamoured by the well-dressed Tenchi, decides to leave her magical forest home and live in with Tenchi at his castle (also not paying rent). Ryona, jealous, decides to 'teach' the naive forest girl a thing or two about her own hedonistic ways. Despite Tenchi's best efforts to allure Àecca with turnip-based foodstuffs, Àecca plumpens rapidly up to and beyond the weight of the enabling Ryona, who is constantly enjoying sweet, fried and sugary treats quaffed down with gallons of beer. The careless Ryona is also oblivious to her own expanding waistline, looking less capable of catching the red witch and more likely to join the local herd of cows by the day!
Early each morning Tenchi is increasingly aware of suspicious but bountiful food parcels being left at the castle doors, snatched eagerly by his greedy live-in guests and devoured before breakfast. Tenchi listens carefully on the wind before he shuts the door, hearing in the rustling trees what he swears is a mischievous giggle echoing through the glens.
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